Categories
Lyrics Poetry

Antidote For Dessert

I could be falling down, never to return
I could be learning how to love myself
Treading on the waves that cancel each other out
Leaving just the water I walk upon

You were a good minus one sometimes
It didn’t matter which one of us left the other behind
As long as we’re together, eye of a hurricane
As long as we’re apart, overcome with inner calm

It could have been different, if I had been stronger
It could have had ripples forward in time
Dreading the pain that comes with separation
Missing the one I left behind

Categories
Philosophy Prose

Perfect Moments In Memory Glass

This is about love.

I watched this movie on Netflix called The Map of Tiny Perfect Things, and it was amazing. Hit me right in the feels. At the end, it was talking about perfect moments, and I realized that I wrote a poem about perfect moments for my middle brother’s wedding – read it during the ceremony, in fact. It’s this:

Eternal Matrimony

I don’t care that you’re running
I know you’re not running away
I don’t mind the mountains you climb
I know you’re not just with me ‘because I’m there’
I don’t mind if you look at another
I know you’re thinking of me
I don’t worry when you’re gone
I know you walk beside me
I don’t care that I may never get everything I want
You are all I need
I’m not upset by the raging river of differences between us
The stepping stones of perfect moments bring me to you
I don’t worry about your past
It brought you to me, and us to this perfect moment
And from this perfect moment to the next
Though our lips part, still we kiss
Though our hands let go, still we touch
Though our eyes close, still we see one another
Though our voices are raised, still we whisper
Of perfect moments and perfect love

In the middle of the movie somewhere, she said she’d only be friends. He wanted more. Unrequited love. And I realized that the moment before it became manifest, the love he felt – the love I feel for someone – is a perfect one. It’s like love is a baseball that can be thrown around and used to play fun games, but the minute it’s unrequited it is like a baseball signed by a World Series winning team. Sure, you worship it, cherish it, look at it from every facet, but you never touch it again, for fear of diminishing its value.

Some perfect moments need to be felt by feeling the feeling of remembering the perfect moment, rather than feeling the moment itself. I’m afraid that reliving the moment itself will eventually make that moment like any moment, one of many, a drop in the ocean, a raindrop in the sky.

A raindrop falling from the vast sky into the vast ocean.

Instead of that one raindrop that causes me and the person I love to smile and laugh and run like crazy for shelter from the storm that just started, and then watching it and listening to each drop, none of them like that first one.

Sometimes an entire person is encased in memory-glass. You can’t go back, you know. You can only remember.

Categories
Philosophy

Bitter Cold, Bitter Me

She was here and then she left. It’s not like it’s even been that long, but I still feel alone. This snow, and this pandemic, both are so isolating and depressing. On the rare occasions I feel depressed, I want to reach out.

But I can’t. Because I promised myself I would never go back. No one from the past.

For various reasons, I have shed people. Some are simply ghosts, disappearing without a trace and me, with no energy left to chase them. Many are gone for cause, good reasons I think. Not being a friend. Acting out their pasts on me. Taking advantage of my good nature, which fills my cynical cup up just a little more.

Some I loved, or could have loved, if not for that one fatal flaw. Some for a plethora of fatal flaws, but who’s counting? A few didn’t care to keep talking to me, so why should I try? You know, that situation where you decide to see what happens if you don’t always make the first move, send the first text… and then you never hear from them again.

So be it. I’ll wait for people who want my company. They’ll be worth it.

Categories
Lyrics

Unraveling You

Sitting alone
In the room with the view
Listening to the rain come down
Unraveling you
I can feel my heart beat slowly
It won’t always beat strong
But when it does it’s because
I thought of something
We both called home

Something to hide when you see his name
On your mobile screen
A wink and I ask if you’re ashamed
Of technology
We both know what’s going on
I’ll be okay here
You can get up and leave
I’ll be looking out for myself
So don’t look back at me

We could have had everything
And in a way I do
I just didn’t know I’d have it all
Without any of you

Sitting alone
In that room with the view
Feeling the pain subside
Unraveling you
I can feel my heart beat steady
I don’t think it will be long
But when it comes it’s because
I thought of something
I created alone

Something to have and someone to hold
When you’re away from me
I think I asked you if I’m to blame
Tried to give an apology
We both know it’s going wrong
You can stay here
You can pack up and leave
(Doesn’t matter)
I’ll be taking pieces of you
Out of pieces of me

We could have had everything
And in a way I do
I just didn’t know I’d have it all
Without any of you

Categories
Prose

My Favorite Season Is Falling In Love

I fell and tripped and caught myself, and caught myself staring, and stared back at the past, and stared at you until you looked back, wondering why I looked so intently. Intensely, as if a car crash had become a field of flowers that I couldn’t see enough of.

You danced on the edge of my reality as the vaguely sweet smell of the season of you filled the air. I ordered you, sipped your delicious flavors, savored your scintillating aromas, drank you in, and felt your warmth. My name was on your cup, along with exactly what I wanted.

Could I have chosen more wisely? I didn’t trust myself. I hadn’t become good at the other person, only myself. I relied on you to be good at us until I could practice. You showed me a thing or two. You taught me a few tricks and tips. I shared with you everything I knew, but you were all I knew when you were around.

My watch stopped. I stopped watching for the next one and the next one. This is where I wanted to be. You were where I wanted to be. You were the scenery and the journey and the cabin on the lake. You were the fireplace and the snowflakes on my tongue. You were home.

When I was a child, I’d fall asleep here, and wake up there. It was always my favorite trick, until you came along and made my walls disappear.

Categories
Uncategorized

In Wonder

I wonder sometimes if happiness is really just an illusion, elusive and prone to confusion, buried deep within the psyche, and if I don’t like it, let’s get Mikey.

I wonder sometimes if tranquility is simply beyond my ability, well outside my grasp, something I have to ask for but never receive, the concept of its existence difficult to believe.

I wonder sometimes if peace is really just spelled wrong, and pieces of my life feel wrong and smell wrong, somewhere around me but completely undetected, as though the clues are there but I’m the undetective.

I wonder sometimes if it’s possible to be stronger, if the things that don’t kill me actually will, they just take a bit longer, if writing this all down will make everything clearer or less, if cleanliness is next to godliness but I am just a mess.

Categories
Poetry

Sadness Is An Art Form

It’s appealing and appalling
Turn my head at anyone who wants me
Then turn away
Because of you I can’t trust
I want that one woman
Who makes me think of no one else
But not in outrage
Dripping with irony
Slipping into agony
Skipping the parody
Because it just isn’t funny anymore

Categories
Lyrics Poetry

A New Year In Every Time Zone

I’m feeling ‘inside’ today
Watching the rain or the snow
A fire to guide me
To my own private spaces
Inner reflections
Introspection
Entering a new year
Like opening a door
To a room I just discovered

It’s a metaphor
What is this ‘meta’ for?
What is this medicine for?
I hope I feel okay

Not feeling too alive today
Watch me complain again
My own thoughts guide me
To unexplored territory
Entering interesting
Exiting expectations
Leaving me behind
Like opening up
To old flames and new lovers

It’s a metaphor
What is this ‘meta’ for?
What is this medicine for?
I hope I feel okay