Categories
Philosophy

Bitter Cold, Bitter Me

She was here and then she left. It’s not like it’s even been that long, but I still feel alone. This snow, and this pandemic, both are so isolating and depressing. On the rare occasions I feel depressed, I want to reach out.

But I can’t. Because I promised myself I would never go back. No one from the past.

For various reasons, I have shed people. Some are simply ghosts, disappearing without a trace and me, with no energy left to chase them. Many are gone for cause, good reasons I think. Not being a friend. Acting out their pasts on me. Taking advantage of my good nature, which fills my cynical cup up just a little more.

Some I loved, or could have loved, if not for that one fatal flaw. Some for a plethora of fatal flaws, but who’s counting? A few didn’t care to keep talking to me, so why should I try? You know, that situation where you decide to see what happens if you don’t always make the first move, send the first text… and then you never hear from them again.

So be it. I’ll wait for people who want my company. They’ll be worth it.

Categories
Lyrics

Spiral

When we made mistakes
They were grand and majestic
When we admitted we were wrong
Well, we never did that
When we kissed our lives seemed to drop away
Our worries seemed to drop away
Away
When we woke the next morning
We pretended to be late for something
Anything

I held the darkness in my golden arms
I tried to make the flowers grow
I danced alone in my imagining
I sat in the chair
And the radio reminded me of you

When I poured your wine
I was pouring you
When I drank a toast
I was drinking you
When I drank too much
I was full of you
When I fell asleep
I was dreaming you
I woke up and got up
Up
And I was wanting you
I broke up and teared up
Up
And it tore me down

I held the secrets in my memories
I tried to make them go away
I sang our songs to the atmosphere
And it sang back to me
The echoes of what never was

Categories
Uncategorized

In Wonder

I wonder sometimes if happiness is really just an illusion, elusive and prone to confusion, buried deep within the psyche, and if I don’t like it, let’s get Mikey.

I wonder sometimes if tranquility is simply beyond my ability, well outside my grasp, something I have to ask for but never receive, the concept of its existence difficult to believe.

I wonder sometimes if peace is really just spelled wrong, and pieces of my life feel wrong and smell wrong, somewhere around me but completely undetected, as though the clues are there but I’m the undetective.

I wonder sometimes if it’s possible to be stronger, if the things that don’t kill me actually will, they just take a bit longer, if writing this all down will make everything clearer or less, if cleanliness is next to godliness but I am just a mess.