Categories
Philosophy Prose

Perfect Moments In Memory Glass

This is about love.

I watched this movie on Netflix called The Map of Tiny Perfect Things, and it was amazing. Hit me right in the feels. At the end, it was talking about perfect moments, and I realized that I wrote a poem about perfect moments for my middle brother’s wedding – read it during the ceremony, in fact. It’s this:

Eternal Matrimony

I don’t care that you’re running
I know you’re not running away
I don’t mind the mountains you climb
I know you’re not just with me ‘because I’m there’
I don’t mind if you look at another
I know you’re thinking of me
I don’t worry when you’re gone
I know you walk beside me
I don’t care that I may never get everything I want
You are all I need
I’m not upset by the raging river of differences between us
The stepping stones of perfect moments bring me to you
I don’t worry about your past
It brought you to me, and us to this perfect moment
And from this perfect moment to the next
Though our lips part, still we kiss
Though our hands let go, still we touch
Though our eyes close, still we see one another
Though our voices are raised, still we whisper
Of perfect moments and perfect love

In the middle of the movie somewhere, she said she’d only be friends. He wanted more. Unrequited love. And I realized that the moment before it became manifest, the love he felt – the love I feel for someone – is a perfect one. It’s like love is a baseball that can be thrown around and used to play fun games, but the minute it’s unrequited it is like a baseball signed by a World Series winning team. Sure, you worship it, cherish it, look at it from every facet, but you never touch it again, for fear of diminishing its value.

Some perfect moments need to be felt by feeling the feeling of remembering the perfect moment, rather than feeling the moment itself. I’m afraid that reliving the moment itself will eventually make that moment like any moment, one of many, a drop in the ocean, a raindrop in the sky.

A raindrop falling from the vast sky into the vast ocean.

Instead of that one raindrop that causes me and the person I love to smile and laugh and run like crazy for shelter from the storm that just started, and then watching it and listening to each drop, none of them like that first one.

Sometimes an entire person is encased in memory-glass. You can’t go back, you know. You can only remember.

Categories
Poetry Prose

Mysterious Person Singular

Your eyes, and you are so unsure. You, singular.
We’re unsure.
I’m uncertain of any given moment, any given time, any given motive or meaning. But I hope this helps.

When I fly, and the drink cart comes around, I don’t ask for water, or carbonated beverages. I always ask for tomato juice. The reason is that when you ask for a carbonated beverage or water, they pour you half a can over ice, and save the rest for the next person. But people rarely order tomato juice. When I order that, they always give me the whole can. It could spoil if they risk keeping it, and no one orders it. I get it all to myself.

You are that. You, mysterious person singular. Maybe no one else wants you, or asks about you. But I do. I want all of you. I want to experience every bit of you, all I can, before you disappear, and you will. Before someone or something takes you away, and they will. I want to be up in the clouds, enjoying you, knowing you, knowing that you’re all mine for that given moment, that given time, no motive, perhaps no meaning other than mutual enjoyment.

I want to be the only one who holds you.

Categories
Lyrics Poetry

Missing Everything

A fever
Taking you out so you don’t have it all
Together
Making out like you still want it all
I’m leaving
You’re taking too long to make up your mind
Believe it
Believe it

When did it happen?
Is it happening now?
Can I make you forget it was you?
Is it something I caused?
Is it something I did?
Is it something I could hold you through?
How many times have you thought about this?
Should I try to make you change your mind?
How many lines do I write about this?
Should I be the one to cry this time?

I drop my eyes and look away
Cause I can’t think of anything to say
I close my eyes and just listen
Try to remember what it is about you I’m missing
Everything

Confusing
I’ll figure me out so you don’t have to guess
About me
Scratching your head because I’m such a mess
A feeling
You’re not gonna believe what I said this time
Believe it
Believe it

When did it happen?
Is it happening now?
Can I make you forget it was you?
Is it something I caused?
Is it something I did?
Is it something I could hold you through?
How many times have you thought about this?
Should I try to make you change your mind?
How many lines do I write about this?
Should I be the one to cry this time?

I drop my eyes and look away
Cause I couldn’t think of anything to say
I close my eyes and just listen
Try to remember what it is about you I’m missing
Everything

Categories
Poetry

Guru Voodoo

In dreams, love is real
The gossamer threads catch and hold
Spun sugar, like candyfloss
Sweeter and better
In reality, love is a twisted mountain path
Winding upward
With no quest
And no idea of who or what
Awaits at the top

Categories
Lyrics Poetry

Help Me Hide The Bodies

I heard around town that my sanity had died
Not yours, just mine, the way I heard it
Where did I get the idea that I could ever finish it?
I took it from somebody who took it from somebody who took it from somebody else

I feel good sometimes
When I say ‘jump’ you say too busy or too tired
Are you the one, or just someone
I dig tonight

I heard around town that my spirit had died
I was pushing it too hard and it finally gave up
Where did I get the idea – well it was mine but considering
I got it from inside me, got it from inside me, got it from deep inside

I feel good sometimes
When I say ‘jump’ you say too busy or too tired
Are you the one, or just someone
I dig tonight

I heard it through the grapevine that my love had died
Every kiss begins with “hey, what are you doing?”
Where did I get the idea that you would ever be with me?
I misread the signs, misread the signs, misunderstood your sighs

I thought I knew what I wanted
At least what I wanted tonight
I’m a five minute phoenix
Dying and coming back to life

Help me

I feel good sometimes
When I say ‘jump’ you say too busy or too tired
Are you the one, or just someone
I dig tonight

Categories
Poetry

Tides Tied Up

You flow in and out
Like waves on the beach
Violently calm
Shaking, I relax
Your waves erase my messages
Lovingly drawn in the sand
Leaving nothing but smooth silence
Dreams crashing at my feet

Categories
Poetry

She Opened All My Doors

I fell like snowflakes onto her tongue
I felt swallowed and safe
My signal was on
But I could never turn away from her
Eyes that make me apologize
Lips that make me want to do nothing I have to apologize for
Curves and smiles I trace, first with my eyes
Then with my fingertips
The music playing in the background
Our hearts beating in time
Our breath coming faster
We ran down the hallways of her soul
Looking for a place we could live
For a moment, or a lifetime
Or a lifetime of moments

Categories
Story

Unintended Consequences

I stood there pounding on the door, yelling for her to let me in. She never came. I took off my sock, wrapped it around my hand and punched the glass, breaking it. I reached in and unlocked the door.

I stepped in, hearing the crunch of broken glass on the floor. I took off my shoes and quickly swept up the glass. I would take care of the door tomorrow.

I screamed for her again, but still no answer. I walked to the back, staring daggers at the bed, and went to the bathroom. There was a letter on the vanity. An open bottle of pills.

Her first love, the man she kept talking about when anything romantic came up, had been found dead in his apartment. Overdose.

I went to the bed and touched her forehead. Cold. Her body was also cold. I sat down, crying. Sobbing to myself. Wailing outwardly…

How could she do this? What was it about him? How could she have still been interested in him this whole time? Still be talking to him? Still carry a torch for him?

I thought with him gone, she’d turn to me. I was wrong.

Categories
Prose

Notice

I know things happened, things were done to you, you had negative experiences. But I am not those people, those situations, those experiences. I can’t be responsible for them, or suffer for them.

I can sympathize, and I do. I can listen and be there for you. I won’t be the stand-in for those who came before me. I’m nice, and I care about you deeply, but I care about me too.

And I have my own traumas.

Categories
Prose

A Phantom Call Reminds Me To Change My Headspace

A phantom call… I let it kick to voice mail… I internalize and process and think… and feel…

Your attempts are touching, if sad, but I can’t respond from the place I am right now. I’m too busy growing and changing for the better, and I am sure I can’t go back there.

I hope everyone I treated badly will understand what I went through and why I did the things I did. Just why. Just reasons. I make no excuses for what I did. I own up to them, admit them fully, acknowledge them completely, and apologize for them. Even if most of you did things too, it doesn’t matter. I forgive you, all of you, for all of it.

I’m responsible for my own shit, and I am sorry.