Categories
Lyrics Poetry

Antidote For Dessert

I could be falling down, never to return
I could be learning how to love myself
Treading on the waves that cancel each other out
Leaving just the water I walk upon

You were a good minus one sometimes
It didn’t matter which one of us left the other behind
As long as we’re together, eye of a hurricane
As long as we’re apart, overcome with inner calm

It could have been different, if I had been stronger
It could have had ripples forward in time
Dreading the pain that comes with separation
Missing the one I left behind

Categories
Philosophy Prose

Perfect Moments In Memory Glass

This is about love.

I watched this movie on Netflix called The Map of Tiny Perfect Things, and it was amazing. Hit me right in the feels. At the end, it was talking about perfect moments, and I realized that I wrote a poem about perfect moments for my middle brother’s wedding – read it during the ceremony, in fact. It’s this:

Eternal Matrimony

I don’t care that you’re running
I know you’re not running away
I don’t mind the mountains you climb
I know you’re not just with me ‘because I’m there’
I don’t mind if you look at another
I know you’re thinking of me
I don’t worry when you’re gone
I know you walk beside me
I don’t care that I may never get everything I want
You are all I need
I’m not upset by the raging river of differences between us
The stepping stones of perfect moments bring me to you
I don’t worry about your past
It brought you to me, and us to this perfect moment
And from this perfect moment to the next
Though our lips part, still we kiss
Though our hands let go, still we touch
Though our eyes close, still we see one another
Though our voices are raised, still we whisper
Of perfect moments and perfect love

In the middle of the movie somewhere, she said she’d only be friends. He wanted more. Unrequited love. And I realized that the moment before it became manifest, the love he felt – the love I feel for someone – is a perfect one. It’s like love is a baseball that can be thrown around and used to play fun games, but the minute it’s unrequited it is like a baseball signed by a World Series winning team. Sure, you worship it, cherish it, look at it from every facet, but you never touch it again, for fear of diminishing its value.

Some perfect moments need to be felt by feeling the feeling of remembering the perfect moment, rather than feeling the moment itself. I’m afraid that reliving the moment itself will eventually make that moment like any moment, one of many, a drop in the ocean, a raindrop in the sky.

A raindrop falling from the vast sky into the vast ocean.

Instead of that one raindrop that causes me and the person I love to smile and laugh and run like crazy for shelter from the storm that just started, and then watching it and listening to each drop, none of them like that first one.

Sometimes an entire person is encased in memory-glass. You can’t go back, you know. You can only remember.

Categories
Philosophy

Bitter Cold, Bitter Me

She was here and then she left. It’s not like it’s even been that long, but I still feel alone. This snow, and this pandemic, both are so isolating and depressing. On the rare occasions I feel depressed, I want to reach out.

But I can’t. Because I promised myself I would never go back. No one from the past.

For various reasons, I have shed people. Some are simply ghosts, disappearing without a trace and me, with no energy left to chase them. Many are gone for cause, good reasons I think. Not being a friend. Acting out their pasts on me. Taking advantage of my good nature, which fills my cynical cup up just a little more.

Some I loved, or could have loved, if not for that one fatal flaw. Some for a plethora of fatal flaws, but who’s counting? A few didn’t care to keep talking to me, so why should I try? You know, that situation where you decide to see what happens if you don’t always make the first move, send the first text… and then you never hear from them again.

So be it. I’ll wait for people who want my company. They’ll be worth it.

Categories
Philosophy Prose

The Coldness Of Dropping Into A Relaxed State

It removes me. Drives the world away for a while, and puts me into my own world. I learned it is better to envision than to replicate. Better to imagine and create from that.

It’s death and life. It’s between. To express a vision. To change an image. My version.

Categories
Lyrics

Have A Look At Yourself

If you really don’t care about anyone
Why do you have notifications on?
Why don’t you make your vacations long?
Why are your celebrations so wrong?

Do you need someone?
Don’t they have to come to you?
Do you need somebody new
Already?
Maybe you need some rest
What are you going through?
Have you had a good look at you?
Unsteady

Are you dumb enough to come out of the rain?
Won’t it wash you clean?
Maybe the pain of the cold
Is just what you need?

Don’t you need someone?
Do they have to be a certain way?
Would it do to have anyone
Available?
Maybe your restlessness
Is a warning sign?
Have you had a good look at you?
Miserable

Categories
Prose

Cancel Sandman

Delete the dream police. Cancel sandman. The rain will soothe and cleanse. The audience pretends.

Void the mystic doormen. Bouncers bounce at Simon’s orders. The pain will groove and shred. The audience is dead.

Smile against the fire. Token esteem wasted in the first scene. The lovers will join your fight. The audience was right.

Scream into the twilight. Sunset boulevard car crash. The others set you on fire. The audience a choir.

This shadow isn’t big enough for the both of us. You’ll have to get into mine, or be left behind. Should have stepped up. Instead you messed up. And all the string and feelings and wine and music can’t fix it.

I can unbreak this egg. Can you unswallow that bitter pill?

Categories
Lyrics Poetry

A New Year In Every Time Zone

I’m feeling ‘inside’ today
Watching the rain or the snow
A fire to guide me
To my own private spaces
Inner reflections
Introspection
Entering a new year
Like opening a door
To a room I just discovered

It’s a metaphor
What is this ‘meta’ for?
What is this medicine for?
I hope I feel okay

Not feeling too alive today
Watch me complain again
My own thoughts guide me
To unexplored territory
Entering interesting
Exiting expectations
Leaving me behind
Like opening up
To old flames and new lovers

It’s a metaphor
What is this ‘meta’ for?
What is this medicine for?
I hope I feel okay

Categories
Lyrics Poetry

Help Me Hide The Bodies

I heard around town that my sanity had died
Not yours, just mine, the way I heard it
Where did I get the idea that I could ever finish it?
I took it from somebody who took it from somebody who took it from somebody else

I feel good sometimes
When I say ‘jump’ you say too busy or too tired
Are you the one, or just someone
I dig tonight

I heard around town that my spirit had died
I was pushing it too hard and it finally gave up
Where did I get the idea – well it was mine but considering
I got it from inside me, got it from inside me, got it from deep inside

I feel good sometimes
When I say ‘jump’ you say too busy or too tired
Are you the one, or just someone
I dig tonight

I heard it through the grapevine that my love had died
Every kiss begins with “hey, what are you doing?”
Where did I get the idea that you would ever be with me?
I misread the signs, misread the signs, misunderstood your sighs

I thought I knew what I wanted
At least what I wanted tonight
I’m a five minute phoenix
Dying and coming back to life

Help me

I feel good sometimes
When I say ‘jump’ you say too busy or too tired
Are you the one, or just someone
I dig tonight

Categories
Prose

It’s Too Cold To Die

Dispense with the grainy film life, like a silent film where cards spell out everything, because life isn’t easy. When the waves crash over us both, they may pull us under and they may cast us onto the land, and there’s no way of knowing until we get out there. It’s scary and terrifying and necessary. The shards of breaking waves slice our skin and pour salt into the wounds. Pain is nothing compared to the feeling of your smile, like sunlight on my face.

This frozen wasteland is my heart. Is it preserved for the right moment, or destroyed for all time? Again, tragedies must happen for triumphs to have impact, for they are the settings in which a triumph’s jewel sits, glittering. What happened back there is a titanium platinum alloy, unbreakable and just your size, and right in the center is the jewel that is my icy heart, multifaceted and clear, the highest quality, nothing but the best for you.

How many deaths I had to die just to get it right, but it was all worth it.

Categories
Prose

It’s Never A Dead End When You Have A Machete

You say your words aren’t about me. I know that. They were never about me. They were always about you. I walked upright once that wind stopped.

I made my wishes out loud. That’s why they didn’t come true. Not because wishing out loud makes things not come true, but because you heard me and ignored me and feigned ignorance. I knew what you were doing, and I know what you did. They say exercise adds years to your life, but that’s not a math problem. Don’t get mad when the tiger escapes your circus.

You were tattooed, completely, or partially, or not at all. I can’t say you never had an effect on me. You did. But look! Those ripples are fading, and soon the stone will sink beneath the surface of the water.

The metaphor was always about water, whether the vast ocean or the rushing river, but stepping stones don’t matter anymore. I discovered I can fly. Who looks down on who is a matter of perspective, but don’t forget, Aquaman is mocked and Superman is celebrated. That’s why I look up at the sky.

I never imagined a universe where I get along better with the one I spent so much time leaving than I do with you. But here we aren’t.

You always said that happiness was transient, and it is. But so is each breath, and I’ve been breathing my whole life.