The long tail of the sun set beneath the rocking chair of the clouds, before crawling under the blanket of the night. The sun was a cat, is what I’m saying. A cat in my living room. I’m God.

Steve God.

Not a lot of people really know my first name. Practically none. I have a few relatives, but I haven’t talked to them in a while. I think they may be up to something, though, because I keep hearing these voices on the wind, asking for various favors. It’s kind of annoying. I can’t give some guy a new car! I can barely afford the one I’ve got.

It’s refreshing, though equally annoying, when the favors are altruistic or affect a large number of people. I want to help starving people or people with cancer too, but I can’t. I’m not a doctor or a nutritionist or a billionaire. And forget helping sportsball teams win! I don’t care about it that much. I’m focused on trying to pay rent and run my little business over here in my corner of the world.

Some people might point out that there are no corners in a sphere, but there are. They’re metaphorical, bitches. Just like my powers to do fuck-all to help vast numbers of people, or people, or even a single individual, something that has been pointed out to me by the last 5 girlfriends I’ve had. I live modestly, sure. I don’t have the latest electronics or a huge mansion, but would it kill one of you ladies to look past that and see my good quantities? I’m not getting any younger here, and I’d like to have a Mrs. God before I turn 40. Even if she keeps her actual last name. And I wouldn’t blame her if she did.

Like my last girlfriend, Jennifer Betterthanyou. I would have to think (and drink!) long and hard before I could decide between being Ms. God and Ms. Betterthanyou. They both have their charms. Which reminds me, 2 or 3 girlfriends ago, one Mammaria Charms. That didn’t last long, because I got tired of saying “Yes! I fucking KNOW you’re up there, but you’re also down here!” Incidentally, ballsy name choice by Mr. and Mrs. Charms. That name could have easily fallen flat, so to speak.

There’s always The One That Got Away, and no, I’m not talking about kidnapping. In my case, it was the amazing Susie Universe. She was everything to me. It’s hard to talk about, but it was like she was the center of my… something. Like no matter where I looked, she was there. All around me, part of everything. Very hard to ignore. I’m not sure why we drifted apart, but it seemed like some unseen force was driving us in different directions, despite her being everywhere I was.

There’s an opposite to that, the What Was I Thinking? For me, it was Lisa Shit-Telescope. I really don’t know what I saw in her, but looking backwards, it wasn’t very good.

I have hope that someday I’ll meet Ms. Right, who will be Ms. God. Maybe Susie will come back? I don’t know. I just wish there was someone to ask for help. Someone who knew some people. Oh well – life goes on.

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