Bitter Cold, Bitter Me

She was here and then she left. It’s not like it’s even been that long, but I still feel alone. This snow, and this pandemic, both are so isolating and depressing. On the rare occasions I feel depressed, I want to reach out.

But I can’t. Because I promised myself I would never go back. No one from the past.

For various reasons, I have shed people. Some are simply ghosts, disappearing without a trace and me, with no energy left to chase them. Many are gone for cause, good reasons I think. Not being a friend. Acting out their pasts on me. Taking advantage of my good nature, which fills my cynical cup up just a little more.

Some I loved, or could have loved, if not for that one fatal flaw. Some for a plethora of fatal flaws, but who’s counting? A few didn’t care to keep talking to me, so why should I try? You know, that situation where you decide to see what happens if you don’t always make the first move, send the first text… and then you never hear from them again.

So be it. I’ll wait for people who want my company. They’ll be worth it.

The Coldness Of Dropping Into A Relaxed State

It removes me. Drives the world away for a while, and puts me into my own world. I learned it is better to envision than to replicate. Better to imagine and create from that.

It’s death and life. It’s between. To express a vision. To change an image. My version.

This Coffee Shop Is Disconnected

Will the carrot and stick method work when I want something sweet and I feel no pain?
You took it all away and left me with everything
A fantastic trick

Does it mean that everything is okay when I no longer hear the screaming?
With no sound, laughing and crying look the same
Silence is also an answer

It’s Not You, It’s (How Much You Don’t Do It For) Me

Binge watching you break my heart
Plot twist in season two
I’m cancelled without a finale
The rally’s failed miserably
I have too
Fringe mocking me mercilessly
Haven’t found all the pieces yet
Guest starring in my own story
I’m not the hero
Is there any part of me left

Life, Love, And Sleeping In

Life imagines us piece by piece, creating us from raindrops and beach sand and autumn leaves. Colors, sadness and tranquility blown by the wind carve ruts in our skin, reminding us of what is missing. 

Love molds us with hands and caresses, asking us what we want, what shape we should take, how many times we should kiss, until the clouds and smoke bring us down to ground level, shaking the earth beneath our feet.

Spiral

When we made mistakes
They were grand and majestic
When we admitted we were wrong
Well, we never did that
When we kissed our lives seemed to drop away
Our worries seemed to drop away
Away
When we woke the next morning
We pretended to be late for something
Anything

I held the darkness in my golden arms
I tried to make the flowers grow
I danced alone in my imagining
I sat in the chair
And the radio reminded me of you

When I poured your wine
I was pouring you
When I drank a toast
I was drinking you
When I drank too much
I was full of you
When I fell asleep
I was dreaming you
I woke up and got up
Up
And I was wanting you
I broke up and teared up
Up
And it tore me down

I held the secrets in my memories
I tried to make them go away
I sang our songs to the atmosphere
And it sang back to me
The echoes of what never was

Spiral Staircases

I’m beside myself to be inside you
You are my home
I tried to find myself
Found me in you
You’re not alone
You are my home
Spiral staircases take us to our favorite places
You’d like to be a better you
I am your home
There is no one better than you
You’re the best person I know
You are my home
Spiral staircases take us to our favorite places
Invisible, let’s disappear
Let’s pretend that we’re the only people here
You are my home
I love how you move towards me
There’s a middle to meet in
A bed for us to be in
An eternity to share life
Spiral staircases take us to our favorite places
You are my love

The Rise And Fall Of Autumn Leaves

Hardcore cinnamon petrichor
Earth enters sensory perception
Still doesn’t overcome the feel, the scent of you
In pure mornings with you, my life
All else fades into the distance
I let my eyes go out of focus
I still see you, crystal clear
All I see are your crisp lines
Which I trace with my fingertips
In awe, I admire your creation
Unique, priceless, unparalleled
My inadequacies shine loudly
I wonder how a being such as you
Could love me so deeply
I am grateful for you
And I want you to feel that, my love
Holding you tight, I bare my soul
Fill you with my essence
Sharing my body completely
Holding nothing back
Dying to see your pleasure

Have A Look At Yourself

If you really don’t care about anyone
Why do you have notifications on?
Why don’t you make your vacations long?
Why are your celebrations so wrong?

Do you need someone?
Don’t they have to come to you?
Do you need somebody new
Already?
Maybe you need some rest
What are you going through?
Have you had a good look at you?
Unsteady

Are you dumb enough to come out of the rain?
Won’t it wash you clean?
Maybe the pain of the cold
Is just what you need?

Don’t you need someone?
Do they have to be a certain way?
Would it do to have anyone
Available?
Maybe your restlessness
Is a warning sign?
Have you had a good look at you?
Miserable

She Calls Me Home

She woke up and immediately knew she was alone. Sensing his absence from their plush bed was probably the catalyst. She threw on a silk robe and went on a hunt for him through the house they had built together.

She felt him deeply. Their connection had always been strong, but lately it had felt intense, as though they experienced the same senses with the same body. As though they were one. She felt a deep sadness, which concerned her.

She saw him through the glass door of his office, holding papers and glancing at his laptop, sobbing. She watched him, admiring his shoulders and his strength, but appreciating his vulnerability.

She silently opened the door, closing it behind her, and walked quietly around his desk to him. She took the papers out of his hands, sat in his lap facing him, and just held him dearly. He didn’t say a word. He just allowed her to be close, and put his arms around her, closing his eyes.

“Tell me.”

“I had a terrible dream. You were gone, and I couldn’t find you. You were lost to me, and I had to go back to the beginning, our beginning. I came down here half-asleep to read and experience how we began. To remember…”

“I’m right here. I’m never going anywhere.”

“I know, but… you had not simply left. You were dead. I couldn’t stand the thought of being without you. I had to feel all of you again, to bring you back. I can’t lose you.”

“It seems to have worked. Here I am, and I won’t ever leave you.”

She held him close, kissing his forehead and lips, and he visibly relaxed, still sobbing. He held her tighter than she had ever known, relaxing in tranquil bliss.

He had her, and she gave him happiness. He thought of all the times they had shared, all the experiences, and smiled. Like a switch that had been flipped, he suddenly became exquisitely aware of the feel of her skin on his, of their glowing love for one another, the mysterious way time flew by and stopped when they were together.

“I love you.” He was moved by her beauty, her long hair, her deep eyes that captivated him, her delicious curves beneath the silk. He was also moved by her devotion to him, and the total happiness and contentment he felt when he was with her. She had changed his life in so many ways.

“I love you, too.” He stood up with her still in his arms, and headed upstairs back to bed. She wouldn’t let him feel this sadness ever again. How could he? She was everything, and she was right here.

The robe fluttered to the floor…